Fertilization Report

I just got the call this morning that of the 13 eggs, 12 of them fertilized & only 7 survived to this morning. So we have 7 embryos that I pray make it to Monday. If I don't have at least 4 "good" ones, then they won't do the PGD testing. I feel like I am cutting it very close with 7 today. My husband keeps reminding me that there is nothing I can do about it now....so I just sit, wait, and pray that this all works out! Take care & thanks for all your support!

A Baker's Dozen

They took 13 eggs out today! My husband told me that in Italy, (where he grew up), 13 is a lucky number...I'm not sure I believe him, but I guess it is something to keep me calm for now! I didn't get sick, I just feel a bit achy & bloated. I am very tired...so this is all for now...but I should have a fertility report tomorrow. I am praying that most fertilize & that they make it until Wednesday for transfer. (I might get a call to come in Monday, which would mean we would have to forgo the PGD -- the other scenario is that none of them make it & there is no transfer.) So I made it past one more hurdle, but there are about 50 more to get over! Have a great night & hopefully I can catch-up tomorrow!

Retrieval in the AM

I am so sorry that I haven't been around all week. Waking up at 4:30 AM everyday has really taken its toll -- not to mention all the work I have had to do at home (grading papers & warning notices). I've been in bed every night this week before 9 PM!!! So -- I am very sorry that I haven't written on any of your blogs this week. I will have plenty of time this week to catch up.

Other than being exhausted...I feel fine! I did my HCG trigger shot last night, so my retrieval is tomorrow morning at 9:30. I am very excited & nervous. I was a bit bummed out that I have to take Friday off & miss the Halloween festivities at school. I know the parents & my co-workers will be thinking WTF...because I never take off...unless I am having a D&C! Well, I am so tired & I am way past my "new" bedtime! I hope I am feeling OK after the retrieval...and I will be sure to update you all when I get back!
Thank you for all your luv & support!! -- Cara

Day 8 -- Cluck Cluck!

Before I give my lame update, I just have to congratulate my wonderful sista, who got her BFP today!!!! If you missed the wonderful news, you can check it out on her site!! I am so excited for her & for the the entire sistahood...it truly is a win for the team!! I know she has a long way to go...but I just have a wonderful feeling about this!!!

I had my morning ultrasound & bloodwork today. I walked in at 6:10, and there were already over 30 names on the list...I guess I am getting up at 4:15 tomorrow morning! Anyway, the doctor measured all my follies, as I did everything in my power to keep my mouth shut & just "go with the flow"! She rattled off a bunch of measurements ranging from 11 to 16 on both sides & then she mentioned that there were 5 on the left & 4 on the right that were less than 10. She also said that I will probably have 1 or 2 more days of stims. I had to start the Antagon tonight & tomorrow morning I need to go back for another round of b/w & antoher u/s. I am getting very excited!! I feel great, except for some fullness in my ovaries. I almost screamed today when a girl in my class hugged me. She hugged me way to tight & I was worried that my eggs would "pop" out! I got over it...but I am curious to see them in the morning!

Oh well, I guess it is fitting that I am getting up before the crack of dawn...I need to make sure the rooster is up! Cluck-cluck!!

Day 6

Today is officially called Day 6...because my first day of shots was considered day 3! Anyway, I want to thank you all for encouraging me & keeping me going. I have stopped a few times the past few days to ask myself "What the hell am I doing?" I still can't believe that my life has come to several daily injections! However, I will gladly poke myself if it means a healthy baby in the end!

I had an ultrasound / bloodwork appointment this morning. The doctor said that the follies seem to be growing fine. She said, "not too much & not too little." Part of me wants to take that at face value & think "Yeah everything is OK" the other part of me is disecting the ultrasound...how many follies should I have? What are my chances of getting enough eggs to do PGD? The big question for me right now is, how is my bloodwork? I am waiting for the nurse to call with my bloodwork results and my next set of instructions.

I haven't decided if I am going to answer the phone, or just let voice mail pick it up. If I answer the phone, I can grill the nurse & find out all my measurements & follie count...(I think it was 12 & 11 on the right with 6 small & 12 on the left with 5 small)...if I let voice mail answer, then I can replay the message over & over to make sure I have all the directions right! This is such banal crap & I am putting so much effort into deciding if I am answering the phone or not!

Oh well, I guess that is all for now...the shots are going OK...the worst one is the Lovenox in my thigh! I wish I could still do it in my stomach, but I guess it is more important to have the stim shots there! Well, take care & thanks for all your support!!! Luv ya, Cara

PS -- The nurse called back & I was driving...so I let my voice mail answer because I couldn't take notes & drive at the same time! She said that my estrogen levels are increasing "very nicely" and they want me to keep the same dosage of drugs! I don't know why, but I am very happy about that! I have to go back in on Monday (Day 8) for another u/s and more bloodwork.

I'm in a CYCLE!!!!

Yeah!!! I finally made it IVF!!!! I was so anxious last night I couldn't sleep. I felt like a kid again waiting for Christmas morning!! I got up early & got to the RE's office by 6:15 AM...and there were already about 30 people in front of me. I was shocked it was SO crowded! They finally called me for bloodwork by 7 AM, and then shortly thereafter I was called for the ultrasound. I was horrified when the doctor walked in the room because it was the A-HOLE who found my last angel w/o a heartbeat. (He was very heartless and insensitive that day.) I was surprised at how nice he was today! He had a hard time finding my left ovary, but once it was found he said that everything looked nice & quiet. I got the call later in the day that the bloodwork was OK & I am to start the stim shots TONIGHT!!!

I am so excited & nervous all at the same time! I am on 450 units of Follistim tonight & then 225 2X's per day. I go in again Saturday morning to see what all this does to my body! The funny thing is that I don't understand what they are talking about when they are rattling off then numbers on each side....I don't ask about my FSH or E2 numbers....I am just content knowing that everything is OK! Ignorance is Bliss!!!

The Meds are in the House!!!

I just had to let you all know that I picked up 2 HUGE BAGS of medicine tonight! It is finally hitting me that this insanity is about to begin! I had to clear out a section of my refrigerator to fit all the needles that need to be kept cold.

Oh well, that is all for now! Take care & Best wishes, Cara

Some Prayers to Reflect Upon

I just wanted to put a post together with some of the prayers that I have "acquired" over the past year and a half. I don't want you guys to think I am such a superstitious gambler! If nothing else, these miscarriages have brought me closer to God. These are the prayers that sustained me every day through the miscarriages & I still say them regularly. I believe God has a plan....I just don't understand it & I think that is the point!

Prayer to St. Gerard

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonder-worker of our day, I call upon thee and seek they aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory in the world to come. Amen

A Prayer to the Blessed Virgin, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel

O most beautiful Flower of Mount Carmel, Fruitful Vine, Splendor of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in this my necessity. O Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein you are my Mother.

O Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart, to succor me in this necessity, there are none that can withstand your power.

O show me herein you are my Mother, O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee. (3 times)

Sweet Mother, I place this cause in your hands. (3 times)

Saint Theresa

The Little Flower,

please pick me a Rose from the

Heavenly Garden and send it

to me with a

Message of Love.

Ask God to grant me the

Favor I Thee implore and tell

Him I will Love Him each day More and More.

(5 Our Father's , 5 Hail Mary's, 5 Glory Be's)

Prayer to St. Jude

O glorious Apostle St. Jude Thaddeus,

true relative of Jesus and mary.

I salute you through the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus.

Through this heart I praise and thank God for all

the grace He has bestowed upon you.

I implore you through the Heart to

look down upon me with compassion.

Oh, despise not my poor prayer,

let not my trust be confounded.

To you, God has granted the privilege of aiding

Mankind in the most desperate cases.

Oh, come to my aid that I may praise

the mercies of God.

All my life I will be grateful to you,

and will be your faithful client

until I can thank you in Heaven.

Amen

More Stupid Games....But Go Yankees!

I have been a Yankee fan my entire life. There are many people who are bandwagon fans...but I have stuck with them through the thick and thin. (The 1980's were very thin!) Some of my earliest memories are of going to Yankee games with my grandfather & seeing my mom, 7 month pregnant with my brother, jumping up & down when Reggie Jackson hit a homerun in the 1978 world series. (I guess she wasn't concerned with pre-term labor!)
Anyway, I am just so happy that they won last two games. I am such a gambler though...I caught myself 3 times the other day playing another stupid game. This game involved the Yankees....I was trying to link my fertility to the Yankees! I stopped myself before I let my silly game begin...but you can probably guess what I was thinking if the Yanks win the world series! (I can't write it here because then it will be in play!) I just can't believe I am so desperate for positive signs that I would hinge my sanity on a baseball game...WTF is wrong with me? I am so glad I stopped the game before it started...but GO YANKS!!

If that isn't bad enough, we started looking at houses again. We are going to see the inside of a really nice one this afternoon & I keep thinking WTF to myself...why am I putting myself back in this position? We have a much clearer understanding of feasible monthly payments....but I still can't justify buying/selling/and moving during IVF. I must be insane!

So as you can see, I keep doing the same things over & over and I am not learning from my past mistakes. I think that is the definition of crazy...so here I am cheering on the Yankees and looking for a new house all in the hopes of having a baby! Maybe I'll be committed soon & I won't have to worry about any of this!

Nothing new to Report!

Well, I am about half way through my birth control pills...and there is really nothing to report! I guess that is a good thing! I hate that my boobs are sore & in the back of my mind I keep thinking..."maybe I'm pregnant!" (I realize that is impossible, but I am so conditioned to think that sore boobs are a pregnancy symptom!) My belly is a little bit bruised from the Lovenox injections, but it is not that bad. My pants don't irritate it & the only time I am in "pain" is when I am actually injecting the medicine. I hope the next 11 days are as easy as these past 10 day have been. The countdown is on for my appointment on the 20th...15 MORE DAYS!!!!

My class seems to be in "shape" & I am actually able to teach a lesson without too many problems. I really got spoiled with a fantastic group last year, but that's life I guess!

Well that's all for now! Take care & Best wishes, Cara

Oh the Silly Games I Play!

Earlier this week, a good friend from college called and asked if I wanted to go with her to a "Tricky Tray" on Friday, October 1st. Being the lame, boring person that I am...I had no plans so I decided to go! On my way to the event, I was stuck in terrible traffic, so I started a silly game. I said to myself, "if I win something tonight, then that means I will have a baby." At the time, it seemed reasonable...
Tricky Tray Win=Baby!

I eventually made my way through the traffic and found myself spending tons of money on tickets for some beautiful prizes. There were so many cute baskets with children's clothes & games. I put tickets in many of those with thoughts of either giving them to my niece and nephew...or giving them away to my friends' kids. There were over 250 prizes to be won...how could my silly game go wrong?

As the night progressed, and they started calling numbers, I soon realized that my game was a huge mistake. By the time the 100th prize was called, I started to make a new game in my head..."if I don't win then I will have a baby." I wasn't sure if that would null and void my first game though! So I sat in my seat trying to act like I was OK with not winning because the proceeds were going to a good cause. At this point, all of the people I was sitting with, started winning basket after basket. Some of the people sitting with me had 3 prizes. I started getting pissed that they made it look so easy! Then came my big break, I won a door prize...a black tee-shirt with an advertisement on it that was a size XL. Compared to my friend's winnings, this looked like crap...but could I justify it as something won? I kept thinking that this door prize was like a tease. Was it really a win? I was now beginning to wonder which game was actually in play...the one were Tricky Tray Win=Baby, or my second thought of No Prize=Baby. My head was spinning!!

I started a new game at this point, that if I win something else, it would mean baby. Well, my luck was not changing....all the people around me kept winning more & more prizes...while I sat there with my black tee-shirt. The night was quickly coming to an end & I decided that I was going to leave the tee-shirt there. (I had just cleaned out all the drawers in our house & gave a huge bag of tee-shirts to good will...why do I need another one?) I then starting convincing myself that my thoughts were so stupid because obviously this tricky tray has no bearing on my TTC efforts. How stupid could I be?

At this point, there was only one more prize left, the "Grand Prize". I only had 1 ticket for this prize, and to my disbelief, I won it!!! I couldn't believe it! But the question remains....which game was in play...
the Tricky Tray Win=Baby or No prize=Baby?????
Or does the tricky tray have no effect on my reproductive life???????

I guess time will tell which game was in play during this ever important Tricky Tray! I will never know if the tricky tray was independent of my TTC efforts, because I will forever attribute a baby or no baby to the winnings of that night!

(Sorry this post is so demented...it should give you a glimpse of my inner brain that is really screwed up! )