My Forgotten Angel

This summer because I was put on hold, I was numb to my TTC journey. When it was time to go back to school, I had almost forgotten my struggle with trying to have a baby. I was very preoccupied with getting through the surgery & recovering quickly. My first day back, I ran into two teachers who were VERY visably pregnant. One woman was about 20 weeks along and the other was about 30 weeks along. I am honestly very excited for them, but I wasn't prepared to see them so pregnant after not seeing them for a few months. I immediately remembered that if my second pregnancy would have been viable, I wouldn't have come back to school after the summer vacation. My due was supposed to be September 29th. I was pretty upset that night because I realized where I would have been in the overall scheme of things. I didn't have much time to dwell on it though because I had to worry about getting my classroom together and just being prepared for the kids. Well, September 29th is this week, and instead of giving birth, I'll be giving a speech to my new students' parents at Back to School Night! I can't even take the day off and do things for me because I can't miss this "important" night.

I feel like this angel was in a sense "forgotten" because it was smushed between my other 2 miscarriages. I was devestated, but I never had time to just grieve. After I miscarried, I was sent for testing which came back with a few clotting problems. I researched these problems to death after I found out. I also didn't take time off of work because my students were my sanity. I needed to get up and go to work each day or else I might have been put in an institution. I then became pregnant after only one period & that began a whole new set of worrying. Well, I need to set the record straight and let my little precious angel know that not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been.

I know that many of my sistas are passing tough dates in the next few weeks. The miserable events that we endured together brought us together, and I wouldn't have made it this far without you all...so thank you!

Passed First Step!

Yeah!!! I got the call that my day 3 bloodwork was fine. I start the birth control pill on Sunday along with the Lovenox injections. My next step is to get through the baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on October 20th...so I have about a month to shoot-up and be "carefree." I have to keep it all in perspective though because I got this far last time. I have to laugh as well, because October 20th is Picture Day at school. I should look awesome after having a session with the dildocam at 6 AM!

Day 1

Well I'm back to DAY 1 again! I was very pleasantly surprised this morning when I found that my period had arrived. I immediately called my nurse. I have to go in on Friday for Day 3 bloodwork & if all is well, then I will begin the pill & Lovenox that night. Since my period was late, I missed the first IVF date that she had held for me. At this point, October 20th seems to be the date for my first stim shot if I can "pass" the ultrasound & bloodwork test that day! I am going into this entire procedure with a tentative feeling in my heart. I am so afraid that something is going to pop up unexpectedly and cancel the entire event. I am trying to stay very positive, but to protect myself, I need to be realistic that anything can go wrong.

I've decide that in order to keep my emotions & stress manageable, I need to focus on small milestones. I've passed the first milestone because my period arrived. The next step is for me to get through the blood work on Friday (9/24) and go on the lovely cocktail of Lovenox & birth control! If I can get that far, then I'll worry about the baseline ultrasound & bloodwork on October 20th. From there, I have a ton of stress & mini-milestones to get me through! Again, this is all a waiting game & I'm waiting for a tiny miracle!

On another note, my class seems to be coming together. Today really seemed like the first day that they were following my routines without much fuss...I guess I should wait & see what happens tomorrow! Today might have just been a fluke, or really might have been "DAY 1" with my class!

We Walked Away!

Well, I just wanted to finish the house saga...we walked away from it. I got so scared that if I did get pg, I wouldn't be able to take the time I needed for a maternity leave & not be able to pay for child care. So, we decided that we were going to keep our current townhouse, go through IVF now & pray for the best. I hate "planning" for a pregnancy, (because God knows nothing goes as planned!) but I couldn't live with myself if I put us in over our heads. Therefore, the new plan is to save $ like crazy, and in a year or so, regardless of a pregnancy, we are going to buy a house! The stress knots are gone from my stomach, so I think this was the right decision.

Well, that is the up to the minute...and AF is still a no show.
Take care & Best wishes!

Life's Crossroads & Curve Balls

Well, here I am Sunday afternoon & I am still waiting around for somethings to happen! My period has been a no-show...and so I've given up on pads! I've been trying to calculate its arrival & I then figure out the time for the pill & IVF. Part of me is getting used to this waiting around that I am thinking that I should push everything off until next spring. I think I am freaking out because WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!! I couldn't believe it yesterday when the realtor called saying that the owner "loves us & wants to sell us the house!" I am now quite horrified, excited, & scared!

For the past 2 years I haven't wanted to make any major changes in our lives because I was always waiting for a baby. I got to the point though were I was living my life waiting for a baby that wasn't coming. So recent I started to do crazy things like buy a new car & go house hunting. We found this house that is perfect for raising a family...but it requires my input financially. The townhouse where we live now is very comfortable financially & I could take a year off of work without a problem. If I am not working with this new house, we would definitely feel it financially & my husband would have to work insane overtime to keep us living. Do I buy this house and not worry about possibly having a baby and the financial risk...or do I let the deal fall through and just stay in my comfortable townhouse? This question kept me up all night! Do I live for now or the future? What if the future I have dreamed of never happens? Will I kick myself that I let this great house get by us? What if it takes another 2 years to actually have a baby, will I kick myself because that would have been 2 more years to save money for a leave from work? So here I am at this crossroad....I have many decisions to make & no assurances! I guess this is the way of life! The lesson I am learning is that nothing is easy & there are always curve balls thrown in the mix of life!

Life in the Waiting Room

Well, I think I am finally going to create this blog. I had to laugh when I signed in because I had 2 posts from July. The first one was that my period arrived & I was waiting to go on birth control prior to IVF. My second post was the next day, where I was talking about being "on hold" for a few weeks. Little did I know at the time that I would be put on hold for quite a while as I had to have a hysteroscopy with a d&c because there were "products of conception" left over from my last D&C in May.

Well, here I am almost 2 months later & I am still waiting. My period is due, but I am unsure as to when. It could be here as soon as tomorrow (9/18), or it could take until Tuesday the 23rd! So I sit & wait, wearing a pad so that I don't bleed through my clothes! I did this back in August after the surgery. The sad thing is that my period never really started. I had a few days of spotting & then nothing. My nurse figured it was because I was on the pill & my lining had just been scraped...so there was not much to come out. I wonder though if my body is totally screwed up! So I sit & wait for my period!

I am also sitting and waiting to buy a house. My husband & I own a townhouse, but we have been looking for a house. We found a great property in our price range that is in a great neighborhood and has all the "amenities" that we are looking for. We put a bid in & now we are sitting & waiting to see what happens. We found out tonight there is another offer, so there is the very real possibility that we will not get the house. So we sit & wait to see what happens.

School just started again, and as usual, my class seems very unruly. It is only September, and we have only had 6 days of school so far, but I feel like they will never come around. So I sit around and wait to see if they shape up...(I actually have been running around & YELLING, as I give praise!!) while I wait to see if they shape up!!

So here I am waiting for everything to work out & I wonder why I am doing all this! I want a new house because I think..."NEW HOUSE / NEW BABY"! I know that is crazy, but I feel it is the only thing I can do, as I wait for this first IVF cycle to get started. So why not buy a huge house with 4 bedrooms, when my husband & I would be fine in a one room apartment!

Well, this is a real ramble & contains no important or exciting info. It is just a post that helps me get through all this waiting...if nothing else, this TTC venture has taught me the meaning of "Waiting for Godot" & "No Exit"!

Quick History

I am in my early 30s, and I have been trying to have a baby since 3/2003. We got pregnant in 4/2003 and miscarried at 7+ weeks. After a d&c, we started trying again in August. In 1/2004, we found out we were pregnant again, only to miscarry naturally at 6 weeks. The docs did all the tests on us, and we found out I had several clotting problems, including Factor V & MTHFR. We got pregnant again in early April 2004. I was put on Lovenox to correct the clotting problems & even saw a beautiful heartbeat several times. Unfortunately, at 9+ weeks there was no heartbeat. I had another d&c, which allowed testing on the baby. It turned out that the baby was Triploidy XXY. We decided that IVF with PGD would be the best bet to avoid another miscarriage & give us hope for a normal pregnancy. In the meantime, I went to a hematologist, and I not only have genetic clotting problems, but I also have APS. Therefore Lovenox is a must! IVF was set to begin in 8/2004 but the cycle was stopped before it started due to a "mass" in my uterus. I had a hysteroscopy that found "Old Products of Conception." So here I am, on a wing & a prayer waiting for a miracle!